Vengeance will be MINE's!
by cerealkiller49
Summary: Tatsumi and Lubbock start a prank war and Mine is always caught in the crossfire, but who will get the last laugh?


**No, this will be nothing like 'Mark of the Lioness.' It's rated K.**

* * *

 **Vengeance will be MINE!**

 _Tatsumi and Bulat were sparring. The noonday sun has reached its zenith and the intensity of their training had both of them covered in a sheen of sweat. Dirt that was knocked up from their fighting stuck to their bodies and made Bulat's muscles look extra appealing. Due to the heat, both Night Raid members had stripped everything off except their underwear, and Bulat's bulging manhood seriously distracted Tatsumi as they fought._

 _Tickle._

 _He knew, however, that aniki would not be pleased unless he gave it his all. With a roar, he swung his sparring pole at Bulat, who nimbly dodged it with ease. However, the pompadour styling fighter did not expect was Tatsumi's follow-up attack. The brown haired assassin crouched low and swept out Bulat's legs, causing him to fall forwards and pin Tatsumi to the ground._

 _Tickle._

 _Their faces were mere centimeters apart, so close that their breathes mingled. Tatsumi could feel Bulat's shaft on his stomach. Aniki's weight, though heavy, was pleasant and the green eyed fighter enjoyed feeling the firmness of Bulat's well-toned abs. Tatsumi's little soldier stood up straight as these sensations aroused a primal desire in him. Bulat could feel it too, though no words were exchanged. He reached out to cup Tatsumi's face and brought him close for a-_

 _TICKLETICKLETICKLETICKLETICKLETICKLETICKLETICKLETICKLETICKLETICKLE!_

 _GODDAMN THAT ITCH!_ thought Mine. _Ruining it for me just as it gets good._ Reaching up, she scratched at her face and...

 _SPLAT_

Mine woke up to an unpleasantly cold sensation on her face and the sound of retreating guffaws belonging to two immature boneheads. The pinkette went to rub the sleepiness out of her eyes, only to find out that her other hand had been loaded with shaving cream as well.

"I'M GOING TO KILL THOSE TWO!" Mine screamed as she stormed to the washroom.

Though each room had a small secondary room that had spaces for washing and other washroom activities, they were too small to hold a showering or bathing area. Nevertheless, Mine felt a lot better after washing her face. Glancing at the clock, she saw that it was already 9. Normally, on a day without missions like today, she'd sleep for another two hours, but she was already wide awake. _Too bad,_ thought Mine. _That was one of the better dreams too._

A loud, aggravated screech from Leone interrupted her thoughts. Mine rushed to see hat was up and failed to notice that the door was left suspiciously ajar, and failed even moreso to notice the bucket of water balancing precariously on top of the door.

 _SPLOOSH!_

Based on the anguished and irritated cries from the other members of Night Raid, Mine guessed that Lubbock and Tatsumi had set up similar traps for hte others. This was confirmed by their loud laughter as they ran for it, a crowd of angry assassins behind them.

 _This is gonna be a looooooooong week._

Tuesday

Mine climbed down the stairs and headed towards the living room. She wanted to flip through the new clothing catalogues that had arrived. She opened the door and her world turned to darkness as she was stuffed into a sack.

"Wha-? Hey! Let me go!" she yelled as she flailed her limbs in a desperate attempt to escape.

"Mine?" said Leone in a disappointed tone. The blonde let the petite girl slip out of the bag.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!" asked Mine angrily. That's when she noticed that the wielder of Lionelle was completely bald, and could not hold back the snicker that escaped through her nose.

"Oh, so you finally noticed," growled the bald blonde. "Those two apes switched my shampoo with hair remover after dumping a bucket of mud on me! When I get my hands on those two, I'm gonna stuff them into girl's clothing and then kick them into the capital!"

Leone stalked off, leaving behind a very bemused and bewildered Mine.

Wednesday

Mine sighed in relief as she soaked her body in the hot springs. A nice hot bath was just what she needed to relax after three days of non-stop pranking. After five minutes of bathing, however, her assassin instincts kicked in. Someone was watching her. She got up silently from the water, grabbed a towel and snuck into the woods. She had a general sense of where the stalker was, so the sniper went to flank him. She crept through the fog and foliage without a sound, getting ever closre to her quarry. Mine's senses were going wild. Her target was very, very close.

 _WHACK!_

With a little whimper, Mine poleaxed to the ground, dazed.

"Mine?" said Bulat apologetically, stepping out from behind a tree. His Incursio fades to reveal his face. He dropped his pole and rushed to her side, concerned.

"WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!" screamed the enraged pinkette.

"Eh-heh, sorry about that," replied Bulat sheepishly. "It's just that those two buffoons usually like to peek at girls in this area, so when I head movement. I thought it was those two."

 _He heard movement? Impossible, I move without sound! He must have heard something else._ Mine opened her mouth to voice her concerns, but Bulat interrupted her.

"Do you know what they did to me? I don't know how they did it, but those two tricksters managed to sew up all of my clothes so that I can't take them off! They're not so tight that they show off my **beautiful figure** but just tight enough to prevent shedding. Now how am I going to show off my **PERFECT BODY**?"

Bulat's loud wail elicited loud snickers from a nearby bush.

"I HEARD THAT!" roared the black haired assassin as he started sprinting after the escaping pranksters. "Just wait till I get my hands on you!"

Mine was left quite alone and indignant.

Thursday

Mine opened the door slightly and poked her head out, casting furtive glances left and right.

The recent prank war had gotten even worse today, and Mine had somehow managed to get caught in the crossfire every time. She could only stand getting pied, splashed, tar-'n'-feathered and snared (yes, Leone had actually set up a trap in front of Lubbock's room, but the sneaky greenhead had somehow manipulated her into springing it) so many times. Mine was taking no chances anymore and stayed in her room for five straight hours, surviving off her stash of sweets and reading all her ...manga (twice!). Now, she was severely and utterly bored out of her mind, and piqued up enough courage to go out of her room and grab a few catalogues.

Thankfully, no one was in the halls, and everything looked trap-free. The pinkette let out a sigh of relief and headed down the corridor. She had only gotten a few steps before she heard movement behind her. Covertly, Mine reached for the cosh she stored in her pocket, ready to turn and fend off her would-be assailant.

The paranoid pink head spun around, weapon raised, to come face to face with a very happy and oblivious Sheele. At this, Minesmiled and lowered her weapon, greeting the absent minded assassin.

"Hey Sheele, you're looking pretty happy," she said. _Despite the current situation,_ she added mentally.

"Oh Mine! It's a wonderful day, isn't it?" replied Sheele in her trademark airhead tone.

"Really, how so?"

"Well you know my bad habit of losing something and then finding out that it was right under my nose the whole time?"

How couldn't she? Poor Sheele practically spent a third of her time trying to find things that were right in her pocket.

"Yes..." started Mine.

"Well I've gotten a lot better at finding those things!" declared Sheele proudly.

"Really? I'm happy for you."

"Oh, yes. Before I would look in all sorts of weird places for my books and glasses and stuff, but find them on a nearby tabletop or something, and I'd end up wasting a lot of time. Now, when I look behind the couch or on top of the chandelier, I find what I'm looking for. I'm finally misplacing things like a normal person! What's more, the free time I now have for reading is incredibly liberating."

 _Wait a second... that sounds like two immature monkeys were trying to mess with Sheele by hiding her things. Ha! That backfired on them perfectly!_

"Ah, I almost forgot!" exclaimed Sheele. "I found one of your comics behind the couch while I was searching for one of my books. Here you go."

 _Ack! That's my collector's edition of Kimagure Love Cupid!_

"ThankyouverymuchSheeleI'lltakethathaveanicedayseeyoulater," said Mine as she snatched the book. She rushed to her room and slammed the door, breathing hard.

If Tatsumi and Lubbock had planted Sheele's book behind the couch, then they must've seen it and...

"But boy, did you get get a load of that manga?" came the voice of Lubbock through the door.

"I sure did," answered Tatsumi. "Ugh, I still get shivers just thinking about it. What kind of sick, twisted bastard would draw those kinds of things?"

"Worse, what kind of lunatic reads them? And they're one of us too!"

"We should find that person's stash and burn them all."

"I'd love that, but that would go beyond the realm of mere pranking. It'd be vandalism or something. Anyways, let's initiate plan 23X..."

Mine was left quite alone to seethe in her anger.

* * *

Later that night, she found a pair of her dresses horribly stretched out of shape. Goddamnit Leone.

* * *

Friday

"Dinner time!" called Akame from the kitchen. Even though everyone's personal rooms were on the upper floors, Akame's voice had a knack for carrying through the entire building when she called for mealtime.

The day had been relatively peaceful since Leone, Bulat, Sheele and the boss were away on a mission, though this also meant the two jokesters had free reign to spread their terror. Because of that, Mine had avoided contact with anyone for most of the day. Meals, however, she could not skip, especially when Akame cooked. The thought of meat made her mouth water. This was exacerbated by the fact that she had run out of candy halfway through yesterday, so she was quite starved.

Mine zipped down the stairs and threw open the dining room door to see what was on today's menu.

She found out in a rather unexpected way.

Three fish pies, fresh from the oven, flew at her and hit her directly in the face, each pie covering a separate third of her visage. To make things worse, the pies were extra spicy.

"AAAAHHHH! IT BURNNNNNNS!" screamed Mine at the top of her lungs as she ran around, flailing her arms like a chicken trying to fly.

"Oops," said Akame as apologetically as she could with her monotone voice. "I meant to hit those two meat-stealers. They're usually the first to burst into the dining room for food.

Mine finally found the sink. She quickly turned on the tap and dunked her head in, finally extinguishing the flames that had erupted out of her head. Unfortunately for her, the sink was filled with dirty dishwater, and the unholy combination of suds, pie flakes and fish bits made her look absolutely horrendous.

Of course, it was now that Lubbock and Tatsumi chose to burst into the dining room. One glance at the ugly sniper and they burst into loud, obnoxious laughter.

"MEAT STEALERS!" cried Akame as she drew out Murasame. "How dare you replace all of my meat with tofu?! I had just caught an ultra-rare danger beast and I was looking forward to eating it!"

"Oh yeah, the albino donkey-hare," said Tatsumi, scratching his chin. "That was delicious."

Akame's eyes went wide with rage and disbelief, her sclera matching the shade of her pupils.

"UNFORGIVABLE!" yelled the carnivorous girl as she charged at the two tricksters. They ran screaming down the halls, and the trio's cries soon faded into the distance.

Mine stood there, eyes twitching and body trembling from infuriation and frustration.

Saturday

The absent assassins returned today from their mission. It was an easy task; most of their time away was spent travelling.

Just before lunch, Mine got an order from the boss to see her in her room. Ever the pleaser, the sniper quickly made her way down to Najenda's office. She knocked on the door and waited for the boss to let her in before entering.

As usual, Najenda was sitting at her desk, lighting one of her cigars. The tabletop was littered with unread reports and papers. Mine shut the door behind her as she entered.

"So what did you want me for boss?" asked Mine as she made her way in front of the desk.

"I read Akame's report on what happened while we were away," replied Najenda, blowing out a plume of smoke. Memories that Mine tried so hard to forget surfaced to the top of her mind as her face went dark, though this went unnoticed by the Night Raid leader.

"I commend you for handling that situation so calmly and maturely," continued the white haired woman as she extended her bionic arm for a handshake. "It's very admirable that you did not stoop to their level."

 _That's weird; the boss doesn't usually shake hands with me. Oh well, a new style is always nice._

"Thanks boss," responds Mine, gratitude filling her heart at the recognition her leader was lauding her with. "I try my be-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Recognition wasn't the only thing filling her body. The hidden buzzer in Najenda's hand filled her small frame with thousands of volts of electricity, forcing her to reflexively grip Najenda's hand even harder. Finally, the white haired woman released her grip and Mine slumped to the ground, charred and exhausted.

"Ahahaha, it works!" crowed Najenda as she pumped her other arm in determination.

"Why..." croaked Mine from her fetal position on the floor.

"Those two apes swapped all of my cigars with exploding ones! The one I'm smoking now is the last one I have, and I don't get any more until next week! Those two messed with the wrong woman, and now they're going to feel my wrath."

With that, the boss of Night Raid put her coat on and stormed out of the room, the wings of the storm following in her wake.

Mine was too spent to do more than utter a little sob.

Sunday

 _Dear everyone,_

 _I have decided to take refuge in the Capital until the prank war stops. I will be gone for the whole week. Please do not worry about me; I have taken more than enough money to last a week in the city. I will be unavailable for missions_

 _-Mine_

"Sad for her," shrugged Lubbock, who was carrying a basket full of water balloons.

"Yeah, she's gonna miss our masterpiece," added Tatsumi. He was carrying an identical basket. "Now come one, let's hurry and set up before they suspect anything."

* * *

Mine sat at a coffee shop, sipping an iced latte. She was deep in thought. _How am I going to get my revenge?_

Suddenly, a devious smirk stretched across her face as an idea hits her. Quickly, the pinkette pulled out a pen and a piece of paper to further flesh out her evil scheme.

One Week Later...

Mine opened the door to the Night Raid base and came face to face with desolation. Though everything was spick 'n' span, it seemed like the building had been devoid of life for a month, with everything so untouched and all. Suddenly, from behind the leg of a table, Leone poked her head out.

"Hey look!" she hollered. "Mine's back!"

Night Raid members popped out from all kinds of weird places: under the couch, behind a pillar, on top of the lights...

 _It seems that the prank war has not died down at all,_ thought Mine as large beads of sweat dropped from her forehead.

"Yes, it's true," said Mine with a flourish. "My trip to the capital put me in such a good mood, I feel like returning to treat you all to a nice picnic. There's a big hill with a beautiful sakura tree nearby that I passed on my way to the capital. Let's go there; I've already prepared the food."

Everyone cheered as they ran out the door. Mine followed with a wicked grin plastered to her face.

* * *

It is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and there is nary a cloud in the sky. On the vibrantly green earth down below, a group of assassins are enjoying a wonderful meal as pink petals from the nearby cherry tree drifts over to them, filling the air with their sweet fragrance. For the first time in a long time, there is harmony within Night Raid.

"Hey everybody, let's go under the sakura tree," suggests Mine. "It's even prettier over there."

All the assassins, full of food and drowsy, comply (except for Sheele, she's searching for her glasses). A nap in the shade of the sakura tree sounds like a good idea to everyone. Mine makes sure to grab Lubbock and Tatsumi by the sleeve and drag them to a special area away from everyone else while the rest of Night Raid slowly strolled over.

"Mmm, this is really nice," comments Lubbock as a big gust of wind fills their nostrils with the perfume of the flowers.

"Yeah, even after all we've done to you, you're still so nice to us Mine," adds Tatsumi sheepishly. "How can we ever repay you?"

"Oh, you don't need to worry about that," replies Mine with a proud smirk, hands placed on her hips. "I'm bigger than that."

"But you're so small...and we've done quite a lot."

The pinkette silences Tatsumi with a withering glare.

Mine waits until everyone is nice and comfortable on the cool grass before sneaking behind the tree, where there is an ominous red button.

 _Prepare yourselves... FOR MY WRATH!_

The vengeful pink head presses the button, the ground underneath Tatsumi and Lubbock gives way while a similar pit swallows the rest of Night Raid.

The prankster duo falls headfirst into a deep cesspool of chest-deep raw sewage. The other assassins get a slightly better fate as their hole is only filled with rotten fish guts. The various screams, coughs, retches and gags are music to Mine's ears.

Gazing at her handiwork, Mine felt something rise within the pits of her stomach. Now her bosom rose and fell tumultuously. There is a mad light to her eyes, and an evil cackle escapes from her lips.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! VENGEANCE IS **MINE**!"

* * *

 **As of November 3, 2015, this is the three hundred and SIXTY NINTH Akame Ga Kiru story in this archive. What a monumental achievement. My most heartfelt congratulations to every author and reader that has made this moment possible for me to be number 369.  
**

 **Yes, this 3k word story is just a big build up to a bad pun.**

 **Yes, this is based on Scorpion's entrance quote in MK9.**

 **Yes, Kimagure Love Cupid is a hardcore yaoi manga. No, I do not read that stuff. I specifically searched 'hardcore yaoi manga' just for this story. I hope this is all news to you.**

 **Honestly though, where's the K rated humor at? These silly, OOC, make-you-laugh stories? It's time for some diversity!**


End file.
